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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Difinitive Answer

So, my friend Heather's boyfriend apparently couldn't understand why I was still single.  Well, I have the definitive answer as to why....I stink.

I was forced to take public transit to work this week.  This means 2 buses and a train to get from my home to my office.  Good times.

I got on the first bus and took a seat beside a very nice looking middle aged woman.  The bus started to move and so did she.  She stood up in the aisle.  I didn't think too much of it as I quite often will stand when my stop is coming up.  She stayed on, standing, for the same length of time as I did.  I still didn't think too much of it.

I then transferred to the train for the middle portion of my trip.  I sat down on an empty bench.  A young man sat down beside me and promptly stood up and moved to the other end of the car.  Hmmm.  It got my attention since he was only in my presence for about 20 seconds before deciding to move so far away.  Ah well, I got the whole seat to myself for the rest of the trip.

I then transferred to my final bus.  Since it is a relatively short trip, I sat on the bench right near the front door.  I swear on a stack - the two people sitting on the bench beside me both leaned farther away.


WTH???????????  If I didn't have such  thick skin and high opinion of myself, I might have had my feelings hurt.  What was going on?  I take regular showers - in fact, I had one just the night before (I prefer night showers rather than morning as I am pretty sure I will drown in the morning when I am sleepy).

I came into the office and accosted my assistant - "What the hell is wrong with me?  Do I stink?"  Perhaps she was not the person to ask.  It is bonus time and I am pretty sure she looked me right in the face and lied to me so as not to jeopardize her raise.  However, I did watch her back up away from me.

I went in search of someone who had nothing to gain, or lose, by telling me the truth.  I found this person in the ladies room.  I asked this person point blank as I got right up into her startled face "Do I stink to you?"  "Yes, kinda"  ????  How could someone be so mean and rude to a total stranger? 

I asked her what the stench was like and she stated it smelled like something sour - possible milk mixed with lemon and some dead flowers. 

Where on earth would I pick up a scent like that?  I wracked my brain.  Oh jeez.....the only thing I could think of was my brand new perfume.  I had treated myself to a new scent from CoCo Chanel.  Not the cheap stuff.  This was my Christmas gift to me.  It was the only thing I could think of as I was wearing it for the first time that day.

Crap - I had to stink all day and then hope that it wore off before I got back on transit to head home.

It seemed to be better as no one blatently moved away from me.  Once home, I headed in to see my brother.  "Does my new perfume really stink?"  "Yes.  Why do you think I close my door and turn on the fan and put a cloth over my mouth?"  Great.

I headed to the Bay with my new perfume.  After a few tears and my tale of woe, I got a refund and a new scent.  No one has moved away from me since.  However, the ladie from the restroom ran away when she saw me in the hallway.  Think my feelings are hurt.

well, back to work.  Stay tuned

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

How Much Fun is a Mother Allowed to Have at her Child's expense?

Turns out, quite a bit but it's still not enough!

I met the boyfriend of my youngest child this weekend.  I had invited them both to lunch at White Spot in order to meet this young man and to offer him a modicum of protection in being in a public place.

The boy already had a couple of points in his favor - he is gainfully employed in a job he likes and has no visible tattoos or piercings.

He was almost painfully shy as he shook my hand and it was shaking.  He admitted his nervousness.  I liked it.

Suddenly, my child leaves the table for the restroom.  We are alone.  I start the boyfriend drill - where are you from?  Where did you grow up?  who are your parents?  Where do they live?  Do you like them?  How often do you see them?  Do they work?  Where?  Where did you meet my child?  When?  Do you prefer beef or fish? (just to throw him off his game a little).  What is your 5 year plan?  this is the question where everything went sideways.

BF:  My 5 year plan includes your daughter.
ME:  Huh?
BF:  I would like your permission to marry her
ME:  Huh?
BF:  I want to marry your daughter
ME:  Why?
BF:  Why?
ME:  That's what I asked.  Why do you want to marry her?
BF:  Because I love her
ME:  Why?
BF:  Why what?
ME:  Why do you love her?
BF:  Because she makes me happy and I love everything about her
ME:  Do you think that is a good enough reason to get married?
BF:  Yes, I love her.
ME:  Can you support her?  And I just don't mean financially.
BF:  Yes and any family we have.  I never turn down hours to work

Well, knock me over with a feather

ME:  When do you want to get married?  Tomorrow?
BF:  Later

My child returned to the table with WELL????????  What was I to say?  I just smiled and said, given he is the best of the bunch to date, I am ok with it.

I guess I am getting a second son-in-law.  Wonder when that will be?  Does this mean that I now have an expanded christmas list?  Hope he likes things from Target.

On another note, I am un-motivated so far this year.  My accomplishment to date - I have reached level 36 on my blackberry Brickbreaker game.  That's it.  I have no motivation for anything else.  My christmas tree still stands like a beacon in my living room.  I am now thinking that it actually works as a well decorated plant and looks good in the corner.  The Christmas lights still hang from my balcony and I have not run the vacuum all year.  I think I am turning into a sloth.  On the upside....I have watched 26hours of NCIS re-runs that I saved to the PVR.  Mark Harmon is still cute.

Perhaps the motivation will come to me when I run out of clean underwear (of which I have 45 pair) and the crud on the floor gets to the point where my feet stick to the carpet when I walk or the carpet becomes crunchy.  I guess this is one experiment that will just have to play itself out before I know the reults - my tipping point for motivation.

Well, stay tuned for more exciting adventures - let you know if I ever have any more

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Might Have Spoken Too Soon

I still think 2013 will be lucky.  I think I have just had a bit of a rocky start.

I found my glasses - by stepping on them.  I got them repaired on friday.  And then they fell out of my purse and I backed over them with my car.

I went shopping and found a beautiful rib eye steak - on sale.  It has been a very long time since I enjoyed a good steak.  I brought it home and was looking forward to a great meal including cauliflower with cheese sauce and a small serving of scalloped potatoes.

I decided that I would dredge my steak in flour with some steak spice and slow cook it.  My mouth was watering.  I made my cheese sauce and prepared my place setting at the table.  I had my book all set up and was looking forward to a great meal.  I even have special steak knives that I used to lovingly cut my first piece of meat off a perfectly prepared rib eye.  I closed my eyes to savor the moment.

As I chewed my eyes popped open in surprise.  This was a surprisingly sweet piece of meat.  Turns out, without my glasses, I had accidently dredged with sugar instead of flour.  Steak spice and sugar do not mix.  The cauliflower was fine but the potatoes burned while I was trying to figure out what went wrong with my steak.  This reminded me of the other time I was not able to eat a rib eye.

I had a road trip to Whitehorse a couple of years ago and went for a business dinner to a place where I was assured I would recieve "the best steak ever eaten."  I was suspicious.  This was Whitehorse and the assurance came from someone who also told me the weather was mild (only -22).

I ordered my favorite steak - again assured I would love it.  When it arrived 52 minutes later I sat looking at what appeared to be a rib eye totally encased in some sort of crust.  I cut into it and closed my eyes to savor it.  OMG!!!!!!

The first sense was that of a mouth full of very small pebbles.  The second sense was a taste of coffee.  I hate coffee.  The third sense was I had a mouth full of dirt and garbage.  This actually made sense as it was explained to me as I spit my full mouth, as delicately as possible, into a napkin, that the "secret" to the chef's "best steak ever" was in fact to roll it in used coffee grounds and to use the coffee for the Au Jus.   EWWWWW.  Who ruins a perfectly good steak by rolling it in kitchen garbage first?  Used coffee grounds are only suitable for compost. 

For the pleasure of being served garbage, I got charged $68.  Perhaps they import beef to the Yukon by pack mule.

I still think that that 13 will be lucky for me.  I got the bad luck out of the way in the first week.  Perhaps I should buy a lottery ticket.  It should all be good going forward now.

Stay tuned for lucky stories.