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Sunday, December 19, 2010

It's going to take a lot more to embarrass me

I am still wondering how this was my fault.  I was standing - completely still - waiting for my bus home from work.  I had my earphones in and my ear muffs on.  I have taken to wearing both so that I can zone out all the "spare change" requests on my travels around the city.  I was also working on a crossword puzzle.  I was not bothering anyone at all and again, I stress, I WAS STANDING COMPLETELY STILL.

Because I was in my own zone I didn't see it coming until it happened.  I was run over and knocked into the back of the bus stop.  I was run over by a young man on a scooter.  He had 5 feet of sidewalk space but it seems he headed right for me (see earlier blog referring to freak magnate).  Not only did he run me over but then he sat there on his scooter yelling at me.  As a crowd gathered to see what was going on I felt I should launch into some sort of defence.  Because I was still in a bit of a shock, I just stood there looking at him before calmly removing my headphones and earmuffs and said " I am sorry I didn't offer you more of a challenge.  Next time I will run around the sidewalk bobbing and weaving so as to provide you with a real game and an opportunity to test your hunting skills.  Not much of a challenge for you to hit someone standing still.  Merry Christmas"  People in the crowd applauded.  He started to scream even more that I was a bitch and offensive to disabled people and should not be allowed out in public.  Well, really, he had no idea.  It takes a hell of a lot more than that to embarrass me.   It seems smiling at someone and saying Merry Christmas tend to make some people very upset.

After he went away, I put the earphones and earmuffs back in place and returned to my crossword puzzle.  I was barely settled in again when I got a tap on the shoulder from behind.  Thinking someone wanted to see if I was ok, I took the ear gear off and turned around.  Standing in front of me was a guy who asked for my spare change (obviously the ear coverings are no longer a deterant).  I politely said no.  He stood there looking at me and then said "well, you obviously have a bank card so we can go across the street while you get me some cash".  Was he kidding?  Was the ghost of Allan Funt around the corner filming me?  I said not likely.  He began to argue that I was indeed a selfish bitch.  Yeah - that's going to work.  I had already dropped $20 into the Salvation Army bin and sent my annual cheque to the United Way.  I told him to go talk to them.  He started to get more agressive and again, I seem to have attracted a crowd.  All of this happened within a 10 minute period.  It seems my freak magnate was set to full attraction.

I made it home in one piece in time to get ready to meet my friend Heather, her new boyfriend and mother for an evening out at Van Dusen gardens.  It was a beautiful evening.  The sky was clear and the air crisp.  The gardens had done a fabulous job of more than 1 million lights strung through  part of the gardens.  There were carols being sung and hot chocolate to be had while we strolled.  I was very much put in the mood of the season - even more so when I ran into Santa for a Christmas grope - not once but twice.  Made my day.  I had a great time and enjoyed meeting Heather's new beau.  Because she is my friend, I even let him give me a hug goodnight.  As readers are aware, I am not a hugger - especially with people I just met.  She is going to owe me.

After enjoying lunch with my youngest daughter on Satuday, I spent the evening in front of the fire wrapping gifts and making the traditional nuts n' bolts.  This year was a success when I only burned a small portion.  I made enough to fill the entire turkey roaster.  I found out the trick is to make the seasoning plentiful and then slowly pour the mixture over the cereals and bake them slowly in a cooler oven.  This of course is a bit contrary to my usual style of cooking - if 350 degrees is good then 450 must be better.  I stirred every 20 minutes in a 250 degree oven for 3 hours.  I think they taste pretty good and once I finish picking out all the burnt shreddies, it will be perfect.

I am almost all set for Santa - only 6 more sleeps.  I just have some stocking stuffers to get, fressh veggies to purchase and the baking of my pies and tarts.  I wanted to do them this weekend but I have no room in my wee freezer.  I will have to bake at the last minute and keep my fingers crossed as I will have no time to re-do if necessary.  I usually need to have at least two tries before I get it mostly right.  My black bottom cookies are a family favorite.

I have a date for Wednesday night.  Not sure how I feel about it since I am rather busy at the moment.  I finally agreed to dinner but we may have to eat in a hurry so I can get home to finish some last minute items.  Hopefully he won't want to order dessert.

I will keep you posted.

Cheers and ho ho ho

Monday, December 13, 2010

No new dates

Sorry, been very busy lately and without time to blog. 

I had the grandkids over for the weekend last week and we decorated, shopped and went to the Santa Claus Parade.  They are old enough now that after I strung the lights, I let them decorate the tree themselves.  It is a wee bit bottom heavy and naked at the back.  And for some reason, all the candy canes are all clumped together in one location for easy access.  I was told we had to eat one each that night "just to check that they were ok".  Works for me.

I was invited to a wonderful Christmas party this past Friday.  I didn't want to look foolish in my usual attire (I own work and play clothes, not much in the middle) as the event was in a posh downtown hotel so I pulled everything out of my closet in search for something suitable.  I was in luck.  Tucked in the very back was a formal, almost floor length, dress from a few years ago.  I just needed shoes to go with it.  I found a cute pair just the day before the event.  Friday afternoon I rushed home from the office early so I could spend time bathing and doing some weed wacking on the legs.  I carefully applied make-up (that I hardly ever wear), did my hair and sprayed it within an inch of its life.  When I was all done, I carefully removed the dress from the cleaning bag and slipped it over my head.  It was stuck.  I tugged some more and finally got it past my boobs.  Oh oh.  Too late to find something else to wear.  What to do, what to do????  I was in a panic.  This is where my imagined invention would have come in handy.

 In a dream one night, I came up with the idea of Girdle Paper.  It would come on a role like the size of which you see in public washrooms.  It would be available in women's rooms around the world (ok, some men could also use it).  You would just pull off as much as you need and wrap it around the areas of concern and it would hold you securly in place.  If you happened to sneeze or something during the evening, no problem, just go into the ladies room and pull off some more to affix in the "sneezed off" zone.

Well, since I have not yet invented said Girdle Paper, I was at a bit of a loss as to what to do.  I finally got the whole dress on and in place, but noticed that when I turned sideways I looked about 9 months pregnant.  No way was I going to be able to hold in my gut all night long in this thing.  However, since I bought the shoes to go with it, I felt compelled to figure something out.  A blinding flash suddenly hit me......I happened to have an old pair of Spanx somewhere in my bedroom.  By the time I finally found them, my room looked vaguely similar to my grandsons bedroom after his friends come over to play.  I slid the spanx on over my hips and held my breath to see if really, in all honesty, if I could still breath, walk and talk while wearing them.  I then slowly made my way to the mirror to see if I still looked like I was 12 weeks overdue from delivering a healthy 12 pound son.  Whew!  Not perfect, but I could move - mostly.  What I hadn't counted on however, was the newest addition to my body.  It seems when you wear Spanx (or any girdle), you are are just redistributing the fat.  I now had two extra boobs coming out of the arm holes of my dress.  No time to worry, I just grabbed a shawl to cover it up.  I slipped on my new shoes and was out the door.

All was going well.  It was a wonderful dinner and the company was fantastic.  However, I learned a very valuable lesson which I am sure most of you already know but since I rarely get to get all dressed up, it was not one I was familiar with.  If you are wearing brand new shoes for the first time, do not try to dance and then walk 3 blocks to your car unless you come prepared with band-aids in your purse.  By the time I made it home, the Spanx were calling it a night.  As I undressed and hung up my dress, put my shoes away and dumped my purse on the bed, these little life savers were actually screaming for me to give them a break and I swear they actually yelled "for the love of all that is holy, take us the hell off and next time buy a larger size".  I really hate mouthy underwear.

I have to tell you what happened on Granville this afternoon.  So, a friend of mine came by my office for a visit this afternoon and as she was leaving, I walked her down to street level Granville on my way to grab some lunch.  After she left I stood there trying to decide what I felt like having today.  I must have looked like I was lost, a tourist or just an idiot.  Two young men came up to me and mumbled something.  Since they were freshly shaven and clean I heard myself saying 'excuse me?". (instead of my usual Sprechen Zie Deutsch?) Well, it seems that was the only invitation they needed.  The said something about Reiki (??) treatments and my Shockra (not sure how that is spelled).  Before I knew what was happening, they grabbed my hands and put the together and then started to wave over them and chant before moving to my head and neck area.  Being a little dumbfounded and having now drawn a crowd, I stayed put and let this happen.  It seems I have been un-aligned with the earth.  This has now been corrected and if it works, I will be at peace with the universe.   I have ALWAYS been at peace with the universe.  It just so happens that the universe hasn't always understood me and therefore declared war.  I guess I will see what happens now that we are at peace.  I am always hopeful.

Well, 12 more sleeps till Santa comes.  I am getting ready and if my family pays me enough, I may even decide not to cook this year.

I will keep you posted.