Thursday, October 28, 2010

Another Road Trip comes to an end

Anyone who thinks travelling for work is fun and insane.

So, I am back after another quick road trip and I have the scars to show for my efforts.  Let's begin with a very bumpy plane ride - enough to make someone who doesn't suffer from motion sickness to feel ill.  The car I had reserved turned out to be little more than a coffin on wheels.  I always get a mid-size vehicle as I want a little more sense of safety when I am driving an unfamiliar vehicle on highways.  I  felt  shivers down my spine as a large truck flew past me causing me to fight to keep my vehicle on the road.

Well, I made it to my first meeting in one piece - no real thanks to the coffin car.  All went well, but it ran a little over so in a hurry to get to the next appointment, I only had time to run through an A & W drive-thru, grab a burger and keep going. I was trying really hard to be careful - having even tucked a napkin under my chin to keep my blouse clean when another large truck flew past (my wee coffin car had about as much gusto as a 2 year old trying to roller skate uphill) and I had to again grab the wheel to fight to stay on the road.  Needless to say, I now had ketchup and a pickle stuck to the front of my shirt.  I find it always so reassuring to attend meetings with stained clothing.  Nothing says respect more than a pickle in the lapel.

I made it through the meeting with a smidge of dignity left.  I was not to know, any shred of dignity I might still have would soon be gone and I would hang my head in shame assuring myself I would never again return to this hotel.

Upon check-in, as I was reaching into my briefcase, which was balanced on top of my suitcase, my purse swung around and got knocked over and spilled all over the lobby floor.  A group of kids chose that moment to burst through the front door and literally stomp on my toothpaste tube (I forgot to pack it in my suitcase so tossed it in my purse in the morning).  It made quite a mess.

I felt I deserved a nice hot bath.  After running across the street to the grocery store to pick up some fruit and a piece of chicken for dinner, I headed back to my room, ate dinner and ran a nice hot bath.  I enjoyed the soothing warmth and felt myself relaxing.  Afterwards, I slipped into my jammies to settle in for the evening.  Just as I changed, I heard some noises - rather loud noises - outside.  Since my balcony overlooked the parking lot, I thought I would pop outside and see what was going on while secretly hoping someone was stealing my car. 

I slipped out to the balcony and since the evening was quite cool, slid the door closed behind me to keep my room warm.  I couldn't really see what the problem was so turned to go back inside.  Imagine my surprise to discover that the lever on the handle was loose enough to plop down when I slid the sliding door close....AND LOCK!  I was my nightie...on the balcony. 

My mind started to race.  My first thought was "crap, now I gotta pee".  My second thought was " You must be FREAKIN kidding me!"  When I calmed down, I tried the only thing I could do.  I started to yell for help.  Mind you, I was almost whispering at first as I wasn't at all sure I actually wanted anyone to find me like this.  There I was, in my favorite nightie, which quite frankly I wear more for comfort than for looks and it looks like it and a pair of white tube socks to keep my feet warm.  Very attractive.  I am sure some of you are wondering how come I am still single.

Gradually, since I was freezing my butt off, my voice got louder and I noticed a couple walking across the parking lot.  After they stopped laughing, they agreed to go to the front desk to get help.  After about 3 minutes, I could hear repeated attempts to get into my room.  However, since I am safety conscience when I travel, I had thrown the saftey catch on the door and they could not get in.  Another few minutes passed - seemed like about 10 - and a man showed up with a ladder to climb up to my balcony - thankfully I was only on the 2nd floor.  He had a drill or something and took one of the sliders off my door so I could get in.  Graciously, he barely looked at me.  Actually, I am not sure I wasn't insulted by him not even glancing at me.  He kept his eyes down the whole time.  Perhaps he was just trying to keep a straight face at the situation rather than being grossed out by my appearance.  (Did I mention I was also wearing face cream?)

When I checked-out in the morning, I was sure that word had spread through the staff when the clerk asked me if I ever warmed up and if perhaps the next time I stayed with them, I would consider packing a housecoat or robe.  Ha Ha

Have a coffee date on both Friday and Saturday.  Friday is a new guy - Saturday is a repeat performance.

Keep you posted.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

No dating update this weekend

I am in serious depression.  I am thinking of becoming an alcholic to deaden the pain.  How and when did this sort of thing start happening to me?

So let me start with telling you about my weekend.  It started with picking up my Grandson Xavier on Friday afternoon to go shopping for a new bike for his birthday.  We picked out a bright red 6 speed with matching helmut.  He and I then went for a ride around the seawall to Granville Island.  We had a great time and he seemed to really like it.  He is now an 8 year old delight.  I thought the time flew by with my own children but the grandkids seem to be on some sort of fast-forward.

After a Saturday afternoon spent on a soccer field watching Xavier's game, I headed to the grocery store to stock up on the necessisties of life.  Some stupid broad (I use that term loosly as technically it was hard to tell), decided it might be fun to turn right from the left turn lane nearly taking out my front bumper while heading into the parkade.  Said Broad then proceeded to wind down her window to yell at me for having the nerve to be in the right lane where apparently I wasn't just a second before her decision to turn.  To top off her indignity, I  am apparently a heartless creature with no concern for our planet since I choose to drive a gas guzzling pig of a polluter which is an affront to her personally.  I seemed to have made her madder when I started to laugh and point at her Escalade.

Sunday started off nice.  I spent the early part of the afternoon watching Rae, my 4 year old granddaughter play her final game of Tim Horton's Tim Bit's soccer.  I always enjoy watching her play.  She is a very serious player who goes all out and is funny as hell.  She hasn't quite gotten the concept yet that someone will be trying to take the ball from her and she isn't at all sure she likes that part.

If you are wondering when the depression set in...keep reading.  After the game, I rushed to my friend Monica's home for a promised wonderful lunch.  My GOD that woman can cook!  I ended up having to unbutton my jeans halfway through the meal.  Monica had invited a friend of hers to join us for lunch.  After a couple of glasses of wine and so much food, we were sitting in the living room enjoying good conversation when out of the blue....I was blindsided.  I didn't see it coming at all.  Not even sure how it happened.  "So, he says" you're 58 right?"  What the hell?  58?  I look 58?  Who said I was 58?  First the snotty kid at 7-11 a couple of weeks ago offers to sell me a seniors bus pass and now this guy thinks I am 58 years old?  He tried to qualify it by saying I looked good for 58.  Well, DUH, I look good for 58.  I wanted to say the reason I look good for 58 is because in reality I am 88 you nimrod!

I have decided I am no longer saving for a cruise - it is a full-out face lift, boob job, tummy tuck and butt lift.

Perhaps I need to look at my job.  Obviously, since working for this firm it has aged me dramatically.  I'll bet that if I worked for Disneyland or even McDonald's I wouldn't have aged this fast.  At Disneyland I could wear a costume and at McDonalds the grease from the fryer would make my skin at least look shiny.

I have a very busy week coming up.  Hopefully it will keep my mind off the fact that I am depressed and in need of putting my name on a wait list for 'the home'.

On the upside, I do have two dates coming up this week with two different men.  I guess I am going find out what a trampy 58 year old looks like.

Will keep you posted.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Where to start

Well, it has been a bit of a wild few days since my last post.  Everything from introducing a guest speaker as having 15 years of Sperm (instead of the more acceptable 15 years with the same firm) to running headlong into a totem pole to having yet another dating experience.

I must tell you, I was invited to a really lovely event at the Museum of Anthropology at UBC and I was having a really good time.  However, I was somewhat taken aback by the sight of a woman in a rather unique dress take a turn on the dance floor where I was offered a rather startling view of her right boob.  In my startled state, I stumbled a bit backwards, turned and slammed right into a totem pole in the middle of the room.  Not sure how that really happened since there was plenty of open space for me to move in and yet, I ran headlong into the nearest 20 foot totem pole.  As I fell back a couple of steps rubbing my forehead, the security guard came running up.  Mistakenly, I thought he was going to offer some first aid, instead he told me not to touch the display.  If I felt the need to touch something, I could wander over to the canoe on the other side of the room and touch it to my hearts content.  I blame the whole thing on my shoes.  I had been on my feet since 7:30 in the morning - in heels.  Those who know me know I do not function well in heels.  I have flat feet, have broken every single toe I own and well, let's face it, I am a tad clumsy. 

The day started with me hosting our annual compliance seminar.  As you know, hosting and MCing an event means introducing the guest speakers.  All was going well until my 1:00pm speaker and as stated at the top, my reading of his bio was going well until...... the sperm incident.  This too is blamed on my heels.

I had only one day to recover from this day of comedy errors before my next date. 

I have to admit that I was surprised that I even agreed to go on this thing.  He is not someone I would normally be attracted to at all.  However, he won me over when he knew the difference between Hemmingway and Steinbeck.  He had me agreeing to meet for coffee at noon today downtown.  I was expecting to be home by 1pm to do laundry and clean up the giant red wine spill in my living room (a whole other incident involving shopping, alcohol and food).  Imagine my surprise when I didn't head for home until after 5pm.  This is about 4 hours longer than I normally allow for these kinds of dates.

He didn't try to poison me, hug me, offer to buy me drugs, try to loose me in Costco or ask me to "put out",  It was a nice change.  We spent the day wandering around the city just talking and then went for a drink and calamari and talked some more.  I was just thrilled to have someone who could not only conjugate a verb but also had some interesting things to say and some strong opinions.  Then, just when I thought I might actually like to have him as a friend.......he might have actually blown it (not sure yet though).  Turns out, during a rather lively political discussion (I know - not normally a good date topic) it turns out he is a staunch Conservative - CAPITAL C.  He hates Rick Mercer (how can you hate Rick Mercer?), Obama, unions (ok - I can give him that one) the United Nations, big business and the CBC - oh boy does he ever hate the CBC.

Up until that particular discussion, he had won major points a couple of times along the walk.  He automatically moved to the outside of the sidewalk for me to walk in the inside.  My father taught me this is the correct thing for a gentleman to always do (and for goodness sakes Holly, quit fighting and just let a guy do it - along with hold the door and your chair).  I have now come to not only accept it but expect it.  I have been known to look like a bit of a fool standing in front of a closed door for 5 minutes waiting for my date to open it while he is looking at me like I have missed my afternoon medication.

Anyway, all in all, I did enjoy the afternoon.  Not sure I can actually get over the conservative bit though.  I  may be a bit more of a free range radical myself.  Can a capital C conservative and a materialistic, capitalistic, free thinking, radical go on a second date?   Frankly I have no idea - I have never had a second date.

I am going to have to spend some more time thinking about this one.  I will keep you posted.

By the way.... did I mention he is short?  I don't generally like short men.  He is only 5'7".  Ok, so I am only 5'3" but I prefer a man who is big enough to step in front and stop a bullet for me or at the very least, reach the turkey roaster on the top cupboard.

Stay tuned

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Bit of a snob

Ok, so it seems I am a bit of a snob.  Not a monetary snob but rather more of an intellectual snob. I don't consider myself a mental giant by any means but really, how does one become a 52 year old man and not know what a mutual fund is or where Disneyland is located?

So, date number 4 of Nannagramma's dating adventures started off ok enough.  We met at the Vancouver Flea Market.  It was a tad uncomfortable at first.  He has a similar appearance to my first husband and my family all knows how well that worked out.  However, due to recent remarks made to me by so called friends and family regarding my perhaps 'judgemental' ways with past dates, I decided to give it a real chance. 

We wandered the market place with me seeing nothing more than junk and he thinking he was in utpoia.  I started seeing problems.  But, I put aside my judgement and agreed to go with him to Costco and then get a bite of dinner.

Never mind the fact that he left me in Costco and I had to go back out and wait by his car in order to find him again, I really noticed  problems during dinner.

"Go ahead Holly and order a real meal.  I am paying for this so whatever you want is fine.  Don't feel obliged to 'put out' for me buying you dinner.  In fact, I will even spring for a dessert which will be the world's best massage."  This had me  looking for an escape route.  However, since I wasn't going to have to 'put out' (who says that anyway?) I ordered a big dinner.

During our dinner conversation, I discovered that there is no point to travelling outside of Canada when the great food of the world is right here already.  Isn't that the only reason to travel anyway?  (are you kidding me?)  I discovered that most of us have either gold or oil in our backyard (??).  I discovered that being a carnival worker gets you free ride passes (this is when his not working in a mine) and that's 'really really really' fun.  I discovered that there is no point in saving for retirement when the government conspiracy will just take your cash anyway.

Oh boy.  The shallow gene pool is now an aspiration.  I appear to have been shopping in the mental midget pool.

I feel like those who questioned my judgement levels should back off now.  I spent 3 hours (longest yet) - more out of curiosity I think - I wanted to hear what he was going to say next - before heading home thankful I wasn't going to have to 'put out' for a couple of fajitas.   I feel I was more than fair in giving him a chance.  Of course, those are three hours I will never get back.

Ok, I am putting the word out now - if I have any friends or family who have even the slightest bit of caring for me, please keep your eyes open for the following:

1 male between 49-55 years of age (unless you find that 80 year old millionaire orphan with a heart condition)
must be employed
at least 5'10"
must be able to read without moving his lips - bonus request - it would be nice if he reads more than pop-up books
Spelling is also a must - spelling well is a want
likes to travel
owns at least one tie
doesn't ask me how to spell my name
sense of humour
No felons please

See?  My list really isn't very long or complicated.  I think these are the kinds of things most woman want.

I am not giving up.  Somewhere out there must be at least one man with these qualities who will not feel ill when he looks at me and wants to at least go to a movie.

I will continue to keep you posted.


Friday, October 1, 2010

Been away for a bit

It has been a busy couple of weeks since I last checked in.  I have been in a severe depression lately.  When I last went to purchase my book of one zone bus passes, the kid at 7-11 thought he would pass along the following information:  " Were you aware that you can be eligible for a reduced fare?  If you are of a 'certain' age, you get bus passes at a reduced rate.  Instead of $21 for the book, you can get it for $18."  I asked the obviously mentally challenged employee " how old do you think I am?"  He said he just assumed that since one of the kids called me gramma, I must be old enough for the discount.

I then spent the next two weeks seriously trying to raise a defense for for the obvious manslaughter charge I was going to face.  I went to my family doctor to start building the depression defence.  Unfortunately, all he advised was a manicure and a haircut.  He is a funny guy.  Might be next on my list.

I finally came out of my depression when someone mistook me for my grandkids mother rather than grandmother. 

After my depression ended I put my energies back into the dating world.  I feel like I am shopping in the shallow gene pool.  Thank goodness there is always a return policy.   Some of the contacts I have had make me feel like I am on Candid Camera or something.  Surely this is just one collosal joke.  I have had propsitions from 19 year olds who want a Mrs. Robinson who assure me that 'age is just a number and it doesn't mean anything',  Well of course not to him.  To me, his age reminds me to buy new underwear.  I am sure some of mine are about the same age.  I have also been contacted by what I can only assume is an espaped convict.   My personal favorite however is the fella who said he wanted to go for coffee and discuss the current political atmosphere.  He wants to discuss my joining a new political party - social communisim.  ?????  When I stated that while I loved a great debate on the politics of our time, I had no desire to join a political party.  Well it seems this set the man off and he informed me that it was people like me that are driving our province into the ground and he sincerely hoped that I never came to him for help when the whole thing blows up in my face.  Nice.  Who let these people out?

Despite the above, I am still trying.  I have discovered though that it is tough to match up with the lesser species (not you Dad).  We really are from 2 different planets.  Mine is earth.  However, I am making another attempt.  I am going for coffee on Sunday.  This guy seems ok and so far, while he looks like an escaped convict, he sounds like a college proffessor. 

To get ready for this meeting of the minds, I have a new haircut and manicure.  I bought new glasses (so I can see what he really looks like) and of course, the 19 year old reminded me to buy new undies.  I am set.  We will meet in the middle of Granville Island.  I will have my rape whistle ready just in case.  

Granville street has been wild of late.  Due to the really nice weather, everyone is out in full force.  Today brought the duelling bands with the crazy lady and her tamborine in between.  Gave me enough of a headache that I could no longer wait for my bus.  I decided to take the train home instead.  The train happened to hold an eclectic mix today.  I had someone pull my ear piece from my ear (and still yell at me) and ask me if my briefcase was mine.  What???  Really?  I am holding it and he wants to know if it is mine?  Instead I smiled sweetly and said no.  I recieved a response that was totally unexpected.  He just looked at me and said "I thought so".  I find making friends on the train pretty easy.

I will keep you posted.