Friday, July 22, 2011

Flirting 101

It seems there is a tradition that one is supposed to receive 50 items in the year one turns 50.  I am in favour of this tradition.  Since it seems to be a tradition, who am I to argue?  And in that tradition, I received a small gift of a book entitled "Flirting 101 - How to charm your way to love, friendship and success".

I will be the first to admit that my dating experiences have been somewhat abysmal and so am quite prepared to take any help I can get.  I can also tell you that if nothing else, this wee book has done wonders for creating opening lines.

For example, I have taken to carrying it in my bag everywhere so that I can take every opportunity to learn me real good the lessons needed in landing me a big one.  So, this morning on the train, I was standing there holding the rail and whipped out my trusty guide book.  I started to read the part entitled "Personal Branding".  I think I was laughing out loud when a gentleman leaned over and pointed at my book and asked me if it was working.  Since I had just finished the chapter on self-esteem, I answered "well, it got you talking to me so it must be working" and then I winked like I had been instructed.  He backed off immediately.  I think I had him till I winked.

When I got to the office I popped into the ladies room to see what I look like in the mirror when I wink.  Once I saw myself, I must admit, the man showed considerable restraint just by backing up.  I wanted to run screaming from the room.  I have no idea why I look like that when I wink but it is kinda scary.  My face goes all crooked and the left side scrunches up and my nostrils flare.  Whats up with that and how can I make it stop?  I will either have to take wink lessons or stop the practise altogether.

The part I am working on now, self branding, has me deciding what type of car I am (BMW - quick and sporty), what kind of animal I am ( Dragon - I have mystical powers - more about that later) - what kind of smell I am (donuts -self explanitory) and finally, what color am I (purple - strong and opinionated).

I plan to use the lessons learned today on branding when I enter the train this afternoon.  I will try to send out the vibe to all the males around me that I am a purple BMW that smells like donuts but is fierce like a dragon with the ability to turn them into toads if they do not play nice.

I will keep you posted on my lessons and progress.  I plan on having a date sometime during my holidays this summer.  I just have to decide who can handle the dragon.

Stay tuned

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

literally falling at my feet

I like to think I  have some effect on the opposite sex but I never pictured them literally falling at my feet as it happened today.  I was sitting in the sun outside of Sears on Granville Street enjoying the scenery when I heard a commotion.  I looked up just in time to watch a grown man get tackled from behind and fall right at my feet.  Might not have been too bad had the tackler not then slapped a pair of handcuffs on him.  Oh well, perhaps next time I will get luckier and carry my own set of cuffs - just in case.

Seems we now have police officers strolling Granville street dressed as bikers, hikers, buskers and the like.  Not sure what this guy did but I waited around until the paddy wagon came to pick him up.

The sun has also brought some of the more colourful characters out to the street.  Last evening as I left the office heading to the train station, I was stopped short by a sight you really do not see very often.  Picture a middle aged man, slight and scrawny, perhaps 5' 2'' tall, wearing a polyester blue and black shirt (think 70's disco) with the buttons open to the navel and enough gold chains to cause serious damage should he hit himself in the head with them.  I was intrigued when I saw him setting up a boom box.  I had to sit down and watch what was going to happen.  Out blasted the theme from the movie FAME and our boy started to dance.  He also kept his own beat by clapping every 2 seconds or so.  Those chains whipped up quite a frenzy as he twirled and danced around in about a 10 square yard area.  It was quite the sight.  After that song, he had to sit and wipe off the sweat before starting the next number - "I need a hero".  It was mesmerising to watch.  After his two songs, he packed up and left.  I love street theatre.

This afternoon I popped downstairs and was treated to another site - skinny white rapper dude was rapping Lady Gaga.  I think I might have peed my pants a little as I started to laugh.  I have to hand it to him though - he was changing things up a bit.  I was getting bored with the other stuff.  He must have sensed it.

I was also the recipient of walking lessons yesterday.  Specifically, how to walk down the stairs in a dress while wearing sandles.  My freak magnate must be at full throttle at the moment as this was only one of the encounters I had yesterday.  So, I was heading out the back door of our building - while wearing a dress and sandles - and heading down the stairs to street level when I was approached from behind with a tap on the shoulder and a gentle smile from a man of about 50 or so.  It should be noted he was barefoot and in cut-offs with a giant hole in the backside.  He said he could help my walk so as to protect me from falling down the stairs (where was he the last  decade when I recorded at least 16 separate falls down stairs?).  He then moved in front of me and showed me how to walk sideways while moving my hips in a funny circular motion and my feet crossing in front of one another.  I have to admit, he was pretty good at it.  I however looked like a constipated crab as I tried the manouver.   Much practise will be needed. 

The second incident was when I had successfully navigated the stairwell to my companions appreciation and  made my way into London Drugs.  I was standing in line waiting to pay for my purchase when a fellow in his 30's or so, leaned over and and sniffed me.  Let me say, I was a little taken aback.  I mean really, who goes around sniffing people - other than dogs?  He then smiles at me and says "Chanel's Chance, by chance?  It's my favorite." I have to admit, that was a first for me.  I have never had a man notice a scent I was wearing and then tell me he liked it.  I am far more used to something along the lines of "what the heck is that smell and tell me it's  not you." 

Anyway, it's a lovely day on the street.  I will keep you posted.