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Monday, December 13, 2010

No new dates

Sorry, been very busy lately and without time to blog. 

I had the grandkids over for the weekend last week and we decorated, shopped and went to the Santa Claus Parade.  They are old enough now that after I strung the lights, I let them decorate the tree themselves.  It is a wee bit bottom heavy and naked at the back.  And for some reason, all the candy canes are all clumped together in one location for easy access.  I was told we had to eat one each that night "just to check that they were ok".  Works for me.

I was invited to a wonderful Christmas party this past Friday.  I didn't want to look foolish in my usual attire (I own work and play clothes, not much in the middle) as the event was in a posh downtown hotel so I pulled everything out of my closet in search for something suitable.  I was in luck.  Tucked in the very back was a formal, almost floor length, dress from a few years ago.  I just needed shoes to go with it.  I found a cute pair just the day before the event.  Friday afternoon I rushed home from the office early so I could spend time bathing and doing some weed wacking on the legs.  I carefully applied make-up (that I hardly ever wear), did my hair and sprayed it within an inch of its life.  When I was all done, I carefully removed the dress from the cleaning bag and slipped it over my head.  It was stuck.  I tugged some more and finally got it past my boobs.  Oh oh.  Too late to find something else to wear.  What to do, what to do????  I was in a panic.  This is where my imagined invention would have come in handy.

 In a dream one night, I came up with the idea of Girdle Paper.  It would come on a role like the size of which you see in public washrooms.  It would be available in women's rooms around the world (ok, some men could also use it).  You would just pull off as much as you need and wrap it around the areas of concern and it would hold you securly in place.  If you happened to sneeze or something during the evening, no problem, just go into the ladies room and pull off some more to affix in the "sneezed off" zone.

Well, since I have not yet invented said Girdle Paper, I was at a bit of a loss as to what to do.  I finally got the whole dress on and in place, but noticed that when I turned sideways I looked about 9 months pregnant.  No way was I going to be able to hold in my gut all night long in this thing.  However, since I bought the shoes to go with it, I felt compelled to figure something out.  A blinding flash suddenly hit me......I happened to have an old pair of Spanx somewhere in my bedroom.  By the time I finally found them, my room looked vaguely similar to my grandsons bedroom after his friends come over to play.  I slid the spanx on over my hips and held my breath to see if really, in all honesty, if I could still breath, walk and talk while wearing them.  I then slowly made my way to the mirror to see if I still looked like I was 12 weeks overdue from delivering a healthy 12 pound son.  Whew!  Not perfect, but I could move - mostly.  What I hadn't counted on however, was the newest addition to my body.  It seems when you wear Spanx (or any girdle), you are are just redistributing the fat.  I now had two extra boobs coming out of the arm holes of my dress.  No time to worry, I just grabbed a shawl to cover it up.  I slipped on my new shoes and was out the door.

All was going well.  It was a wonderful dinner and the company was fantastic.  However, I learned a very valuable lesson which I am sure most of you already know but since I rarely get to get all dressed up, it was not one I was familiar with.  If you are wearing brand new shoes for the first time, do not try to dance and then walk 3 blocks to your car unless you come prepared with band-aids in your purse.  By the time I made it home, the Spanx were calling it a night.  As I undressed and hung up my dress, put my shoes away and dumped my purse on the bed, these little life savers were actually screaming for me to give them a break and I swear they actually yelled "for the love of all that is holy, take us the hell off and next time buy a larger size".  I really hate mouthy underwear.

I have to tell you what happened on Granville this afternoon.  So, a friend of mine came by my office for a visit this afternoon and as she was leaving, I walked her down to street level Granville on my way to grab some lunch.  After she left I stood there trying to decide what I felt like having today.  I must have looked like I was lost, a tourist or just an idiot.  Two young men came up to me and mumbled something.  Since they were freshly shaven and clean I heard myself saying 'excuse me?". (instead of my usual Sprechen Zie Deutsch?) Well, it seems that was the only invitation they needed.  The said something about Reiki (??) treatments and my Shockra (not sure how that is spelled).  Before I knew what was happening, they grabbed my hands and put the together and then started to wave over them and chant before moving to my head and neck area.  Being a little dumbfounded and having now drawn a crowd, I stayed put and let this happen.  It seems I have been un-aligned with the earth.  This has now been corrected and if it works, I will be at peace with the universe.   I have ALWAYS been at peace with the universe.  It just so happens that the universe hasn't always understood me and therefore declared war.  I guess I will see what happens now that we are at peace.  I am always hopeful.

Well, 12 more sleeps till Santa comes.  I am getting ready and if my family pays me enough, I may even decide not to cook this year.

I will keep you posted.

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