Sunday, September 9, 2012

What if ???

A middle aged woman falls out of her truck in an empty parking lot and there is no one there to hear her fall, does she still make a sound?
Short answer - yep!  Loud and long.

Now that I have given you the ending of my tale, let me take you back to the beginning of my weekend.

Friday afternoon found me at the lawyers office finishing up the requirements for the sale of the house and helping to pack a few boxes for a lazy soon to be finalized, ex-husband.  I said I would come back Saturday morning to help (stress the word -"help") clean and get it ready for the new owners the following day.

Early morning I recieved a phone call to pick him up at his hotel as he left his car at the pub the night before.  Afterwards, we headed to the house to clean and pack up the last of the items to go to storage until he moved to his new home at the end of the month.  After 4 hours of me on my hands and knees cleaning the fridge, stove, washer, dryer, both bathrooms, floors and cupboards I started to wonder where he had gotten to.  He was supposed to be making a dump run - 2 hours earlier.  My cell phone rang.

Him (AKA Dumb Ass) - Hey Holly, how's it going?
Me:  Almost done.  You just need to clean the top cupboards as I can't get up there to clean.  Are you on your way back?
DA:  Well......I just stopped for a beer and then I have to meet a friend in Delta at 4:30 so it will be a couple of hours.
Me:  ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?  I am busting my hump cleaning YOUR HOUSE and you are off sitting in an air conditioned pub enjoying yourself.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Do I look like your cleaning maid?  I am outta here.  You, my friend, are completely on your own.  Oh, and by the way, this is going to cost you more than you can possibly figure.

I packed up the rest of the stuff that the kids were taking and left.  I was so angry that I was physically shaking.  I was hot, sweaty, sticky and cranky.  I managed to make my way to my eldest child's house without driving off the road and unloaded what was now theirs as far as I was concerned.  They offered me a glass of wine, a shower and dinner while I calmed down.  (anyone still wondering why this is my EX-husband?)

After a couple of hours of relaxing with the family, I made my way home.  However, I first had to stop at the store.  I pulled into the underground lot, reached in to the back seat to get my re-usable bag and opened my door.  Even today I could not tell you what happened.  However, next thing I knew, I was on my hands and knees on the parking lot floor clutching the handle of my bag.  The rest of the bag was around my steering wheel and my floor mat was half hanging out.

Turns out, when you fall in an empty parking lot, you still make an awful lot of noise. 

Just for those keeping score, within a 6 day period, I have sustained a smashed up shin, bruised thighs (one is huge and beautifully colored - the bruise, not my thigh), banged and scraped elbow and now we can add two bruised knees and the palm of my left hand is swollen while my right is simply sore.  On the upside for those of you keeping track, NOTHING IS BROKEN.  This a big breakthrough for me.  I am thinking my bone strengthening drugs must be working.  If this had happened last year, I would be in a body cast by now for sure.

I never made it in to the store.

Well, the new owners get possession at noon today and tomorrow I am officially "unemcumbered" and can proceed with my divorce online.  For a couple of hundred bucks, I can file for divorce on the internet.  How cool is that?  This of course, pre-supposes that I can operate the system and not accidently remarry the man instead. 

I figured out the other day that while we have been married for 26 years, we actually only lived together for 11 of them.  This includes the multiple times I moved back in to give it another try.  I am either a complete idiot or the laziest person alive.   I will go with lazy.

Ah well, yesterday was the final straw.  I will be divorced for my Christmas present and will be holding a divorce celebration - PARTY TIME.  How does Vegas sound?  My cousin Barb is in and understands the rule of the sock on the door (I would use a tie but I don't own one).

I am off to Ottawa at the end of the week for another road trip.  My attempts to see good ol' Stephen Harper while there have been thwarted.  However, that will not affect my mood at the conference.  I will keep you posted on what I am sure will be an eventful event.  Another upside I just thought of, since I obviously will not be able to wear a dress during my time there, I do not have to shave my legs.  How cool is that?  There is a silver lining to having a banged up body.

Today's  plan is to first disconnect the phone, then watch my saved TV shows for a couple of hours and then clean my own house.  Yeeha - the exciting life of a single woman in Vancouver.

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