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Sunday, July 29, 2012

50 year old Groupie

I hit the road last week for a 4 day Island run.  I started in Victoria and made my way up the island until Saturday morning when I hopped on the ferry in Nanaimo to head home.

I will get back to the Groupie issue in a moment.

This road trip was a pleasant mix of business and pleasure.  It made for a nice change. 

I had the opportunity to visit with multiple family members.  First, I started with my cousin Brandi.  She is a supremo stylist and cut my hair with no comments from the peanut gallery regarding my age and employment status.  She did a great job as she knows me and my limitations.  I cannot make my left hand work.  I have had many a black eye whilst trying to blow dry my hair and style it at the same time.  I don't know why but quite often while working the brush while holding the dryer, I have poked myself in the eyeball.  She gave me a style that will work just by hanging my head out the window on my way to work and letting the wind do its stuff.

I was able to spend the evening visiting with some favorite Aunts and Uncles - just visiting and telling stories.  My uncle seemed to think that perhaps I have a bit of a mean streak when it comes to having a bit of fun with my children.  Remember my previous story about how I ensured my daughter never forgets mother's day again.

I rarely get mad but I always get even.  However, as I was recounting my story of ensuring they never forgot mother's day again, it reminded me that I don't just have fun with the kids when I get even.  Actually no one is totally safe.

There is no point in wasting energy getting mad.  Waste that energy on plotting revenge instead.  It is much more satisfying.

A few years ago a woman I worked with really pissed me off.  Doesn't matter what happened.  Suffice to say that I had to plot my revenge.  It took a few weeks to plan.  That was part of the fun. 

My youngest brother used to work for the National Research Centre - a federal government agency.  He had access to official letterhead and envelopes.  (remember when people got mail?)  I had overheard a conversation she had with another co-worker about how she had entered menopause and had multiple symptoms.  Hmmmmm, got the old brain juices going.

I got hold of some letterhead and decided to write a letter inviting this person to join, on recommendation of her doctor, in a blind study of a new drug for middle aged women entering menopause.  I provided a phone number for her to call for more information and had my brother mail it from his place of work.  It was his direct line.  I also provided him with a list of questions to ask when she called.

And I knew she would call.  I had mentioned that she would recieve a small stipend for her participation.  I paid attention whenever she was speaking with anyone with suripitious eavesdropping.  I was able to make a pretty detailed list of questions ranging from the benign to the extremely personal. 

She discussed the letter with a co-worker.  I knew when she was going to call the number in the letter.  I sat at my desk across the office and watched her make the call.  My brother played the part perfectly.

Picture this:

"National research centre.  My name is ________ (He used his bosses name).

"Hello, my name is S__________.  I recieved the letter inviting me to take part in some menopause research."

"I am glad you called.  I just need to ask you some questions before I can verify your eligibility.  Some of these questions will be personal.  I hope you are ok with that but you understand with the nature of the study, it requires certain personal information."

"I am ok with that.  If anything can help with these symptoms, I am game."

After a number of simple questions such as name, rank and serial numbers, he moved in for the kill.  Meanwhile, I was now under the desk trying hard not to laugh out loud and blow it before it finished playing out.  Keep in mind, this person was very excited about getting money and being part of this drug trial.

"Ok, now on to the personal questions.  How many sexual partners have you had in your lifetime?"

After a quick look around the office to see who was listening, she answered. "8"

"that's fine.  Now, how long have you been married to the same partner?"

"22 years"

"How many children do you have and what are their ages?"

"2 - 13 and 15"

"Very nice.  Now I need to ask you about your sexual history.  How often do you and your spouse engage in sexual intercourse?"

"2 or 3 times a week"

"really?  That's a lot" (he almost broke character)  " I only have a couple more questions before we are done and can then verify your eligibility."

"Great.  By the way, how much is the stipend?"

"It's not huge.  It is just meant to cover your travel and time expenditures.  The stipend is $100 for every day you have to come to UBC for testing which is once per week for the first 2 months and then twice per week for the second two months."

"That's fabulous"

"Are you and your spouse engaging in unprotected sex?"

"Yes - because we are married"

"Are your sexual proclivities on the mundane side or are they more rambunctious and outside the so called "normal" spectre?"

"really?  You need to know this?"

"We believe that a woman's sexual activities bare some relation to menopausal symptoms"

"Oh, ok.  Well, then some of both" 

Keep in mind, I am stunned she is still on the phone and answering these questions.  I am now biting the leg of my chair to keep from laughing.

Now for my favorite question and the one I was waiting for.  I had learned, in my eavesdropping, that she almost killed her husband one night during sex when her necklace fell down his throat while she was on top and he started to choke.

"During these sexual encounters, have you ever physically caused your spouse pain and agony?"

The conversation stopped for a moment and I could see her eyes taking in the room.

"Wait a minute.  What's this really about?  Who is this?"  Holly!!!!!  Has anyone seen Holly?  Where the hell is she?  I am going to kill you when I find you!"  She found me by my laughter and threw a stapler at me.  It was soooo worth it.  I had warned her but she didn't listen so she had only herself to blame.  Another good thing came out of this.  I got a promotion because my boss could not believe all the work I went through and everyone else paid heed to my newly revealed super-powers.

When I got home that night, Kris and I had a good laugh over dinner.  He could not believe she kept answering the questions.  He was having trouble asking them but liked my plan so much that it only cost me $50 for his role. 

Don't mess with Nanna.

After a wonderful evening gossiping with my aunt, I headed out to a week of speed meetings - 6 in three and a half days.  Nothing much happened - all went as it should be except for one weird incident.

I came out of my hotel room on Thursday morning to find a book on my doorstep.  I looked around to see if everyone got one.  I was the only one.  I opened the cover and inside was a little note "for the lady in 322.  It was our synchronized breaks that got me."  It was signed by the author.  Hmm, I had gone out to my balcony a few times in the evening (twice in my nightie).  I hadn't seen anyone else.  Seems I had someone watching me.  It felt kind of odd.  The book was very interesting though.  It was about some British Columbia history.

Friday found me enjoying lunch, ocean side, with my Dad and Joyce.  Yummy.  We had a very nice visit before I was off to meet with my brother and sister-in-law.  I can count on Angie to add some excitement to my life.

Here comes the reference to my being a 50 year old groupie.

After a fabulous dinner we made our way to a reunion concert of a band called Steelback.  They were pretty well known back in the 70's and early 80's out west.  As we settled in to our seats and the concert began, I was transported back in time.  The days of big hair, highwaisted jeans and the smell of a  sweat soaked gymnasium.  That is until I opened my eyes and was greeted by the sight of balding, middle-aged musicians.  However, I felt a rush of my heartbeat as they could still rock out to the memories of my youth.  I was able to overlook the hair by realizing I too was no longer the girl of my youth.  It did not stop me from jumping up to dance and giggle and laugh like the groupie I was. 

Angie's friend (car race night) was a part of the band.  He is a pretty good bass player.  Saw him in a whole new light - the light of a groupie.  We had a wee bit of a visit before he had to get back on stage.  All in all, a very good night.  I had a great time.  Before I knew it, it was saturday morning and I was making my way to the ferry for the ride home.

A very full week awaits.  I need a real holiday.  I hope to take at least one day off with the long weekend and have the kids.  Time to go to Playland.

Stay tuned and remember - don't piss off the Nannagramma or you may find yourself on the recieving end of some diabolical plan to even the playing field.



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