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Saturday, January 22, 2011

I have an affliction

And it is called "Coopers Droop".  Personally I think my doctor just made it up as he has no sense of humour and  he tends to hold a grduge.

A few years ago it seems I embarrassed him and he has been holding it against me ever since.  His nurse said I was the only one who succeeded in making him blush.

Dad, if you are reading this, cover your eyes for the next little bit. 

So, as all my women friends are familiar with, when we go for a physical we are subjected to some embarrassing and compromising situations.  It was a cold, winter afternoon and I was tired and a little jittery as I was shown to my paper gown and the metal impersonal stirrups.  Since I had been going through this procedure for 27 years with this man I felt that we had developed a special relationship.  The worse part of the whole ordeal is that you lay there while this man is intimately examining you and no one is speaking.  You don't have anywhere to look but the ceiling as he has his headlight on and he is intent on some exporation in your nether regions.  It is very clinical indeed.  I decided I had had enough of this.  So, when the inevitable question came up " when was the last time you had sexual intercourse?"  I answered honestly "I'm having it now.  Is it good for you because I sure could use a smoke."  Well, his headlight snapped off and he stood up told me I could get dressed and left the room.  I could hear Mary (his nurse) laughing outside the door. 

Ever since that incident, he seems to go out of his way trying to get back at me.  He came up with the best so far during my exam this week.

 After the usual breast exam he told me he found a problem.  He asked if I was dating anyone.  When I asked why he said I should be aware of what age has done to me and that I need to be careful.  He had my full attention.  He said I needed to make sure I invested in a really good support bra.  I was now sitting on the edge of my seat thinking the worse.  "I am sure given your personality that you won't be terribly embarrassed by this but if you ever get intimate again with a new man, you will want to explain your affliction with clarity.  I hate to tell you this Holly, but you have a condition called Coopers Droop."  OMG!!!!!  Was he kidding?  What is that?  What's wrong with me?  "As you have aged Holly, the ligiments in your breasts have pulled (in other words gravity has taken over) in a downward position.  It is known as Coopers Droop."  Great - there is a name for it.  I swear he had a huge smile on his face as he was telling me.  AND THEN - he caps it with "So, I see you are turning 50 this year.  You are actually a little young for Coopers.  Oh well, too bad since it only getrs worse with age.  Enjoy the rest of your night and see you in 2 weeks."  NICE.  See what I mean?  He holds a grudge over one little incident and has no sense of humour.  I am going to have to think about this.  Lets see how the next visit goes.  We'll see whose laughing then.

Sadly, this was the highlght of my week.  I have a date tomorrow but I may cancel in order to go buy a bra. 

Sunday will find me picking up the wee grandkids and taking them with the toys they have saved to Children's hospital.  Afterwards we will hit a movie theatre and stuff oursevles with popcorn before returning them home.  They are my new best friends.  They don't care that I have this horrible affliction.

I need a new hobby. 

Stay tuned.

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