Exhausting weekend

And now my butt hurts.

It was a busy weekend.  However, it was punctuated with a bit of "hurry up and wait".

Early Saturday morning - 8am to be exact - (which is an ungodly hour on a Saturday) found me behind the steering wheel of my friend Heather's car as we barrelled down the freeway to the border with her mother whose freshly printed passport was just itching to be utilized.  Record time was made in our efforts to beat the rush to the cheap milk on the other side.

That was a pipe dream.  After racing to the border we sat in the line up for about 2 1/2 hours.  The signs on the highway specifically said  50 minutes approximate wait time.  IT WAS A BALD FACED LIE!!!! 

After inching our way through to the surly border guard, we raced to the nearest Burger King in order to a) let Holly's bladder have some respite and b) feed Heather whose "I am starving to death" were heard for the preceeding 30 minutes from the back seat.  After scarfing down burgers, we made our way to Bellis Fair mall for some shopping.  Nothing to really write home about.  No real sales.  It is a mall just like any other (until Black Friday - then it is a zoo).  However, I did make a couple of purchases - cheap Polysporin, a paperback and two sweaters (2 for $24).  The sweaters are where it got interesting. 

I made my purchases and was provided with a bag and off I went to continue along the mall in search of deals.  After about 30 minutes, I decided it was a little cool and so I would wear the white sweater.  As I took it out of the bag, price tag still entact, I noticed that there was blue ink on the bottom.  Off I headed back to the store to exchange it.  Holy Schnikies!  This broad would never make it as a Canadian.  I almost blew a gasket. 

Me:  " As you recall, I purchased this sweater about 30 minutes ago.  I just took it out of the bag to wear and noticed this ink.  I would like to exchange it please."  (I was very polite as any good Canadian is)

Saleswoman:  "How do I know you did not do this yourself?  This is not something we would do"

Me:  "What?  Why on earth would I put ink on a sweater that I am about to wear?  I never took it out of the bag until just now.  I do not even have a pen with me."

Salesclerk:  "Well, we did not do it so it must have been you when you left the store"

Me:  "Are you freaking serious?  Are you saying you are not exchanging my sweater?  Because if that is the case, I will just call Mastercard right now and cancel the sale and tell them you stole my card."

Salesbroad:  "Smirk"

Me:  "You think I am kidding?  I am about to get real loud here, so your choice.  I am not asking for my $12 back - just an exchange.  What the hell is wrong with you?"

I got my sweater.  Surprisingly, as mad as I was, I actually felt better than I had all day.  The wait at the border had made me slightly cranky and I had not yelled at anyone is a very long time. 

After a quick shop at Trader Joes for cheap cheese and milk, we headed back to the border and home.  It had been a long day but we made it through the border in about an hour after professionally smuggling our goods across.  Having an 86 year old woman in the car seems to make smuggling easier :)  Might use her again.

Sunday found my friend Cammie and I renting some electric bicycles.  That was so much fun!  They top out at about 30km an hour.  For about 2 1/2hrs we whipped around Kitsilano and the westend having the best time.  I really want one of these.  However, after almost 2 hours my battery started to die and I had to assist with peddling to get back to base and a new battery.  Once recharged, we spent the next half hour racing at top speed up and down alleys.  Did I mention I really want one of these things?

I have attached a couple of pictures.  They are really cool.

I am off as of noon on Friday for some R&R until September 3rd.  My plans are to go Go-Karting with brother and sister-in-law and grandkids on Saturday, PNE on Sunday with kids and then Monday-Wednesday a wee spa vaca across the line before returning home to lay on the couch for the remaining 5 days.  Should be fun.

Stay tuned

Cammie learns the kickstand

Barely reaches the ground

Poster child who needs a girdle

Head in the Clouds

Lately I seem to be operating with my head a bit in the clouds.  I am losing my car, walking into lamp posts and Wednesday forgetting a regulatory hearing that I was adjudicating.  Thankfully, they could not start without me so after a fast dash downtown in record time, I arrived only 20 minutes late.  Just in time to find the guy guilty.

After leaving the hearing I raced down to the parkade as I had to get back to the office in a hurry.  Well, we all know THAT did not happen.  I searched and searched for my car and it was nowhere to be found.  After sometimes secretly wishing someone would steal it, NOW WAS NOT THE TIME.  I was feeling somewhat sickened and thinking perhaps it was time to call the police and report it when I noticed a sign on the wall that did not look familiar to me.  I pulled out my parking ticket and looked at the wall again.  Not sure how this happened but I was in the wrong parkade.  With my head planted firmly in the clouds, I had not paid attention to the fact that I got on the wrong elevator, left the building and went into the parkade across the street (BTW, I had never, ever, been in that other parkade before).   Holy crap, I need a holiday.

I thought I would have a bit of a holiday this long weekend.  I would have my favorite wee people on the planet with me.

I picked them up on Saturday after lunch just as the temperatures started to hit 31.  After blasting the air conditioner in my car all the way home, I realized that I had no groceries in my house.  I turned around and went to the bank machine to get some cash to shop and the machine ate my card.  I am on a long weekend now with hot and sticky children, no groceries and no bank card.  What's a girl to do but go back home and beg her brother to lend her enough money to make it through the weekend.  His price?  Take him grocery shopping with us.

It was nice and cool inside Safeway as the kids drew the attention of other shoppers while they debated the merits of Fruitloops, Cocoa Puffs and Mini Wheats.  The deal was they all had to agree on one cereal.  Finally an older gentleman, visiting Canada from England, helped them decide.  He told them Mini Wheats would make them poop regular.  We got Cocoa Puffs. 

After spending 45 minutes in the store, we made our way to the checkout where the kids are now nose to nose with the chocolate bars.  I was hearing "Nannagramma, can we have?, Can you buy?, Can I buy for me?" when the woman behind me piped up with "oh, how nice, you have all your grandchildren with you."  At that point my brother started to laugh and said "yep, I am having fun with grandma here".  And the woman stated "Well, I don't think this is your grandmother, more likely your mother."

At that point, I heard the laughter behind me but all I was seeing were the brightly coloured stars floating in front of my eyes.  OMG - I look like I am old enough to be his mother?  Brother, very wisely moved out of my reach at that point but the laughter did not subside until much, much later.

After the crappy shopping trip, the kids and I made our way to Granville Island waterpark.  The walk there was filled with "how much farther, it's so hot out, my feet hurt and can we get ice cream when we get there".  However, it was worth it once we arrived and set up camp in the shade.  The kids feet miraculously healed and they ran off to hit the water slide.  Lexi was so excited because maybe, just maybe, this year she was big enough to ride it on her own.  I waited with baited breath - would she measure up?  They measured her and she just made it - literally. I think her ponytail was the thing that made her just tall enough.  And she was off.    After landing upsidedown at the bottom, I lifted her out and her first words (after she stopped choking) were "I am big now.  Let me down.  I need to go again."  I have attached pictures of all three. 

It was time to leave and no one wanted to walk home so off to the bus stop we went when Lexi started to jump around doing the pee pee dance.  I learned from past experience and when we headed into Starbucks so she could use the facilities, I told her to cry right out loud.  I only had enough cash on me for the bus so I could not purchase anything in order for her to use the facilities.  She did not want to cooperate but she did do something much better to ensure she could use the bathroom.  "Nanna, I don't have to just go pee.  I need to poop really really bad."  Surprisingly, no one stopped us as we made our way to the front of the line for the ladies room.  After 10 minutes in there with me waiting on the other side of the door, everyone in line was privy to the following " Nanna, you should come in here and see this.  My poop is green."  It was a proud moment as I remarked to those still waiting "Betcha your kids don't have green poop.  My grandchildren are super special".

That night we made our way to my roof top at exactly 10pm for the final night of the Symphony of Fire fireworks display.  While we can't see anything low from my roof, we do have a fabulous vantage point for all the rest.  The kids had a great day and were in bed and sound asleep by midnight.  I dragged myself off thinking that they would sleep in after such a full day.  They had 3 fans pointing at them and were cool in just their underwear and a sheet.

I was wrong.  I was awoken to sounds of children arguing, slapping and jumping.  My brother, whose room is right below where they were in the living room, was not a happy camper.  (Serves him right for the shopping experience.)  I dragged myself out of bed and made my way upstairs where I recognized that it was going to be a very long day - 7am and they woke up already cranky.

We hustled out of the house by 11am to make our way downtown to my friend Heather's place to spend the afternoon in her pool.  Unfortunately, this was also Pride weekend and the parade was getting started.  Heather lives just off the parade route and they use her neighborhood as the staging area where everyone gets ready for their turn to hit the streets.  I tried to skirt the area but much of it was blocked off and it made passing through a little tenuous for little kids.  There is an awful lot of nudity in the parade.  Finally, I just decided to bulldoze my way through and try to keep the kids occupied so perhaps they might not notice.  I am naive.  As we passed by one group of people setting up their float, I feel a tug on the bottom of my dress.  I look down and poor Lexi looks concerned.  "Nannagramma, that girl forgot her t-shirt and she only has circles on her boobies."  Rae - " maybe she is poor Lex and doesn't have money for a t-shirt".  Lexi - "she is going to get a sunburn".  Rae - "maybe her mom put sunscreen on her".  I just kept walking.

We spent almost three hours with Heather -  swimming and eating ice cream.  The kids had a blast and we were the only ones in the pool.  It was over 30 outside and this was a great way to stay cool and wear the kids out.  I think my plan worked too well.  At the 2 1/2 hour mark, they were squabbling and basically just floating in the water with no energy to even swim to the side.  That is until I said it was time to go.  Then they had all the energy in the world as they begged for more time.  That energy subsided again as we walked the 3 blocks to the bus ride home.  "Are we ever going to get there?  It's so hot.  Carry me.  My legs itch.  My feet hurt." 

As we came through the front door, I just wanted to collapse.  Instead the little pishers got their second wind.  In the stuffiness of the house, I soundly got my can kicked at Spongebob Square Pants monopoly.  I am pretty sure they cheat.  The house was still too hot.  No one was comfortable.  I decided we needed to be some place cool.  After a quick dinner of hotdogs, off we went to the movies.  We saw Iceage, Continental Divide in 3D.  While it was a pretty good movie, I am not too sure it was $54 worth of good.  One adult and 3 kids = $54 PLUS 3 kids packs (drink, popcorn and chocolate) = $92.45.  However, what made it worth it was that by the time we got home at 10pm, the house had cooled off enough to be bareable. 

All three kids were sound asleep by 11:30pm and slept right through until 9:30 the next morning.  I was up at 7:30 as my brother dropped something on the floor just outside my door causing me to sit bolt upright.  Personally, I think he did it on purpose.

I took the kids home Monday afternoon and returned with the intention of having a wee nap myself.  It was too hot to sleep so I layed on the couch watching the Olympics till bedtime.

I am taking some time off at the end of the month.  I think that in order to maintain my simple sanity, I need some alone time.  Perhaps just locking myself in my room - no phone or laptop - and sleeping for 3 days, might just do the trick.  perhaps I will no longer get comments from hairdressers and complete strangers about how old I look.  Perhaps I will just drink myself into oblivion so I just don't care.

Ah well, wait and see.

Lexi

Rae

Xavier

50 year old Groupie

I hit the road last week for a 4 day Island run.  I started in Victoria and made my way up the island until Saturday morning when I hopped on the ferry in Nanaimo to head home.

I will get back to the Groupie issue in a moment.

This road trip was a pleasant mix of business and pleasure.  It made for a nice change. 

I had the opportunity to visit with multiple family members.  First, I started with my cousin Brandi.  She is a supremo stylist and cut my hair with no comments from the peanut gallery regarding my age and employment status.  She did a great job as she knows me and my limitations.  I cannot make my left hand work.  I have had many a black eye whilst trying to blow dry my hair and style it at the same time.  I don't know why but quite often while working the brush while holding the dryer, I have poked myself in the eyeball.  She gave me a style that will work just by hanging my head out the window on my way to work and letting the wind do its stuff.

I was able to spend the evening visiting with some favorite Aunts and Uncles - just visiting and telling stories.  My uncle seemed to think that perhaps I have a bit of a mean streak when it comes to having a bit of fun with my children.  Remember my previous story about how I ensured my daughter never forgets mother's day again.

I rarely get mad but I always get even.  However, as I was recounting my story of ensuring they never forgot mother's day again, it reminded me that I don't just have fun with the kids when I get even.  Actually no one is totally safe.

There is no point in wasting energy getting mad.  Waste that energy on plotting revenge instead.  It is much more satisfying.

A few years ago a woman I worked with really pissed me off.  Doesn't matter what happened.  Suffice to say that I had to plot my revenge.  It took a few weeks to plan.  That was part of the fun. 

My youngest brother used to work for the National Research Centre - a federal government agency.  He had access to official letterhead and envelopes.  (remember when people got mail?)  I had overheard a conversation she had with another co-worker about how she had entered menopause and had multiple symptoms.  Hmmmmm, got the old brain juices going.

I got hold of some letterhead and decided to write a letter inviting this person to join, on recommendation of her doctor, in a blind study of a new drug for middle aged women entering menopause.  I provided a phone number for her to call for more information and had my brother mail it from his place of work.  It was his direct line.  I also provided him with a list of questions to ask when she called.

And I knew she would call.  I had mentioned that she would recieve a small stipend for her participation.  I paid attention whenever she was speaking with anyone with suripitious eavesdropping.  I was able to make a pretty detailed list of questions ranging from the benign to the extremely personal. 

She discussed the letter with a co-worker.  I knew when she was going to call the number in the letter.  I sat at my desk across the office and watched her make the call.  My brother played the part perfectly.

Picture this:

"National research centre.  My name is ________ (He used his bosses name).

"Hello, my name is S__________.  I recieved the letter inviting me to take part in some menopause research."

"I am glad you called.  I just need to ask you some questions before I can verify your eligibility.  Some of these questions will be personal.  I hope you are ok with that but you understand with the nature of the study, it requires certain personal information."

"I am ok with that.  If anything can help with these symptoms, I am game."

After a number of simple questions such as name, rank and serial numbers, he moved in for the kill.  Meanwhile, I was now under the desk trying hard not to laugh out loud and blow it before it finished playing out.  Keep in mind, this person was very excited about getting money and being part of this drug trial.

"Ok, now on to the personal questions.  How many sexual partners have you had in your lifetime?"

After a quick look around the office to see who was listening, she answered. "8"

"that's fine.  Now, how long have you been married to the same partner?"

"22 years"

"How many children do you have and what are their ages?"

"2 - 13 and 15"

"Very nice.  Now I need to ask you about your sexual history.  How often do you and your spouse engage in sexual intercourse?"

"2 or 3 times a week"

"really?  That's a lot" (he almost broke character)  " I only have a couple more questions before we are done and can then verify your eligibility."

"Great.  By the way, how much is the stipend?"

"It's not huge.  It is just meant to cover your travel and time expenditures.  The stipend is $100 for every day you have to come to UBC for testing which is once per week for the first 2 months and then twice per week for the second two months."

"That's fabulous"

"Are you and your spouse engaging in unprotected sex?"

"Yes - because we are married"

"Are your sexual proclivities on the mundane side or are they more rambunctious and outside the so called "normal" spectre?"

"really?  You need to know this?"

"We believe that a woman's sexual activities bare some relation to menopausal symptoms"

"Oh, ok.  Well, then some of both" 

Keep in mind, I am stunned she is still on the phone and answering these questions.  I am now biting the leg of my chair to keep from laughing.

Now for my favorite question and the one I was waiting for.  I had learned, in my eavesdropping, that she almost killed her husband one night during sex when her necklace fell down his throat while she was on top and he started to choke.

"During these sexual encounters, have you ever physically caused your spouse pain and agony?"

The conversation stopped for a moment and I could see her eyes taking in the room.

"Wait a minute.  What's this really about?  Who is this?"  Holly!!!!!  Has anyone seen Holly?  Where the hell is she?  I am going to kill you when I find you!"  She found me by my laughter and threw a stapler at me.  It was soooo worth it.  I had warned her but she didn't listen so she had only herself to blame.  Another good thing came out of this.  I got a promotion because my boss could not believe all the work I went through and everyone else paid heed to my newly revealed super-powers.

When I got home that night, Kris and I had a good laugh over dinner.  He could not believe she kept answering the questions.  He was having trouble asking them but liked my plan so much that it only cost me $50 for his role. 

Don't mess with Nanna.

After a wonderful evening gossiping with my aunt, I headed out to a week of speed meetings - 6 in three and a half days.  Nothing much happened - all went as it should be except for one weird incident.

I came out of my hotel room on Thursday morning to find a book on my doorstep.  I looked around to see if everyone got one.  I was the only one.  I opened the cover and inside was a little note "for the lady in 322.  It was our synchronized breaks that got me."  It was signed by the author.  Hmm, I had gone out to my balcony a few times in the evening (twice in my nightie).  I hadn't seen anyone else.  Seems I had someone watching me.  It felt kind of odd.  The book was very interesting though.  It was about some British Columbia history.

Friday found me enjoying lunch, ocean side, with my Dad and Joyce.  Yummy.  We had a very nice visit before I was off to meet with my brother and sister-in-law.  I can count on Angie to add some excitement to my life.

Here comes the reference to my being a 50 year old groupie.

After a fabulous dinner we made our way to a reunion concert of a band called Steelback.  They were pretty well known back in the 70's and early 80's out west.  As we settled in to our seats and the concert began, I was transported back in time.  The days of big hair, highwaisted jeans and the smell of a  sweat soaked gymnasium.  That is until I opened my eyes and was greeted by the sight of balding, middle-aged musicians.  However, I felt a rush of my heartbeat as they could still rock out to the memories of my youth.  I was able to overlook the hair by realizing I too was no longer the girl of my youth.  It did not stop me from jumping up to dance and giggle and laugh like the groupie I was. 

Angie's friend (car race night) was a part of the band.  He is a pretty good bass player.  Saw him in a whole new light - the light of a groupie.  We had a wee bit of a visit before he had to get back on stage.  All in all, a very good night.  I had a great time.  Before I knew it, it was saturday morning and I was making my way to the ferry for the ride home.

A very full week awaits.  I need a real holiday.  I hope to take at least one day off with the long weekend and have the kids.  Time to go to Playland.

Stay tuned and remember - don't piss off the Nannagramma or you may find yourself on the recieving end of some diabolical plan to even the playing field.



"

One of my dumber ideas

So there I was sitting on my couch getting ready to watch a whole marathon of one of my favorite shows "Burn Notice" when I received a phone call from my favorite wee man.

"Hi Nanna, its me Xavier.  Um, I was um, wondering if you would um, like to take us to the fireworks.  Dad's still on crutches and can't go so mom said you might take us.  Is that ok?  We can come early and play at your house."

How is a Nannagramma supposed to say no to that?  "But of course.  Pack your bags and be ready in 2 hours and ya'll can sleep over". 

I pushed my lazy ass off the couch and got dressed.  I picked the wee ones up and we came back to my house to play lacross, dress-up, monopoly and play-doh.  After dinner, we set off to walk to the train station to make our way downtown for the Canada Day fireworks at Canada Place.  So did 200,000 other people.

We wandered around and found what we thought was a pretty good spot to set up our wee portable stools.  We waited.  The children got hungry while we waited some more.  The wind kicked up off the water and the kids got hungrier.  Even though we had a big dinner prior to leaving the house, the idea of being so close to the ice cream and popcorn vendors got their tummy's growling.  We ate ice cream and popcorn while huddled together as the night got colder.  FINALLY - the fireworks began.....behind us on the otherside of the building.  However, we did manage to catch anything that was up high. 

Lexi had to pee.  RIGHT NOW NANNA!  There were no washrooms as I ran helter skelter through the throng trying to beg and cajole shop vendors into letting her use the facilities.  Finally a woman in a souvenir shop let her use the staff washroom when Lex started to cry.  I told her she should have started crying earlier.

When we entered the fray again Rae said she wanted to go home.  She was tired and cold.  We saw exactly 3 minutes of fireworks as we made our way to the train station.  Moving through the mob was difficult and Xavier hurt his leg and was limping along.  By the time we made it to Waterfront train station the fireworks were over and the body of people was moving enmasse around us.  As we approached the front door of the station we were stopped and told the station was closed and we would have to back-track 8 blocks to the other station.  The roads were also blocked so our bus option became confusing.  Where were we to catch it now if we couldn't make it to the train station?  I had an idea. Ok, perhaps not my brightest but it seemed simply brilliant at the time.

It was now just after 11pm and the city was crowded.  The other side of the street, one block down, the buses were still running.  I thought "what we if hopped on our bus going in the opposite direction and then ride it all the way around?" This will allow us to avoid fighting the mob in an effort to try to figure out where the other bus stops were re-located to and the kids would be able to sit and get warm.  Needless to say, I was pretty proud of myself as our bus came pretty quickly. 

We were at the back of the bus chatting and watching the people on the streets.  We headed farther away from our intended desitination but I was not worried as I knew it would make the loop and take us home to within 2 blocks of my house.  Then is happened.  I felt it first - the engine stopped running.  Then the driver came back and I realized we were the only ones left on the bus.  "Where are you people headed?", the bus driver asked.  "False creek - 6th and Heather please", I responded.  "Well, ma'am, you need to get off the bus." he said.  "WHAT???  It is 11:30pm and the kids just want to go home.  What do you mean we have to get off the bus?"  "Well, ma'am, I am actually heading into the yard and going home myself so you will have to wait for the next bus."  I responded with, "Well, first of all, quit calling me ma'am.  And secondly, I want you to call mission control and ensure that another bus will be coming and when it will be here.  I have no idea where we are and there is no one else around and so help me, if you leave us stranded here I will make it my mission in life to hunt you down and ensure that even your family dog pays for making me miserable."

He called mission control.  Another bus was to be by - the last of the night - in 11 minutes.  The kids and I waited, alone and in the dark, playing "jump off the bus stop bench until someone gets hurt" for another 25 minutes.  Everyone was real cheery by then.  Suffice to say, we wandered through the front door of the house at 12:30am.  Rae summed up the evening with "well, that was certainly an interesting adventure I never want to do again.  Can we watch cartoons now?"

I returned the children to the parents at 3pm the following afternoon after first being woken at 8am by having a play-doh ice cream sundae shoved in my face followed by a trip to the movie theatre to watch Madagascar 3 (great movie by the way).  The kids were nice and cranky by the time I dropped them off.

To end on an up beat, this afternoon at exactly 3pm, my cell phone rang and I looked down to see who was on call display.  To my surprise I see it is Panagopolous pizza.  My first thought is "holy crap, they are calling to confirm my order since someone obviously stole my information and is ordering pizza."  Imagine my surprise when instead I hear " Good Afternoon, this is Panago pizza calling.  We noticed that we have not heard from you in quite awhile and we are wondering if we have done something to cause you to discontinue using our service.  We would like to make up for any issues that may have caused you to discontinue ordering pizza from Panago by offering you a $10 gift certificate to use the next time you call.  We look forward to hearing from you."

Gotta say, that has never happened before.  Also brought to my attention that I now know the real reason for my winter weight gain - obviously I was ordering a lot of pizza.  What a great marketing idea.  I can hardly wait to hear from Las Vegas.  I can imagine the call - "Hello, this is Las Vegas calling.  We noticed that you have not enjoyed our unique deposit service in quite sometime.  We would love for you to return and enjoy the many benefits of always knowing where your money is going.  Here is $25 towards your first $100 deposit at our craps table."  I would be on the next flight - if only to re-visit my last deposit.

Stay tuned.  I am sure as the summer warms up, so will my life.

Cheers

Yet another road trip......

I have yet to have a work related (or any other for that matter it seems) road trip that goes off without a hitch.  This past week's trip was no exception.

I picked up my rental car on the weekend and headed north to Sun Peaks resort just outside of Kamloops.  It was a beautiful drive.  I had satellite radio tuned to "XM Blue Collar radio", the sun roof open and was bombing up the highway.  I was feeling good and literally laughing out loud to some of the comedians. 

I pulled off in Kamloops to enjoy having lunch with my oldest friend in the world (wait a minute, that sounds odd - she is not the oldest friend in the world, although she is 4 months older than me, what I meant was that we have been friends for the longest time - 44years to be exact).  It was a short visit but we hatched a brilliant plan to ensure my eldest child would want to bite the head off a kitten.

There is a chocolate shop at Sun Peaks called Rocky Mountain Chocolates.  They make candy apples the size of a child's head - covered in caramel, gummy worms, marshmellows, peanuts, M&M's and the like.  She was springing for the apples and I would drop them off on my way home on Wednesday evening.  I was sure I would arrive right about bedtime.  I would present the children with their gifts and leave just as their little heads start to spin right off their shoulders.  Wonder if my child will forget mother's day again????

After lunch I headed further north to the resort and checked in.  To fast forward, all was going as it should until the 'team building' the following afternoon.  Everyone was to break into groups to enjoy one of 4 activities.  Staff (me) were to split up to ensure that we were well represented on each activity.  I was part of an old time gold rush that had us dressing in period costume and trekking across the countryside and up the side of a mountain completing tasks along the way.  The mosiquitos made meals of us all.  I also discovered what short legs I have compared to everyone else. We were split into teams of 4 and headed out like we were extra's in "Paint Your Wagon".  I have attached a couple of pictures for your amusement.  The first two are of my team.   The third is of me eating at the western BBQ afterwards.  I almost pulled a muscle in my leg when I heard there was BBQ lobster.  I had to do a very quick about face from the pulled pork in order to take advantage of my favorite food on the planet.

I will fast forward again and just say that Tuesday's seminars all went as they should.  Wednesday started off nice and normal and my first presentation went off without too much of a problem (always one heckler in the crowd).  My phone rang.  We took a break and I went to the lobby to answer it. 

AVIS - "Hello Ms. Millar, this is Teresa from AVIS rental car.  I am afraid I have some rather disturbing news for you.  Chevy has recalled your car.  You are not to drive it. However, we have made arrangements for you to take your car and pick up an exchange car at the airport in Kelowna (anyone see a problem with this statement?)"

Holly - "wait a second.  What map are you looking at?  Kelowna is 3 hours from here.  Can I not turn it in in Kamloops?  Wait another second - do you not see a problem with your statement about not driving it but you want me to drive it to Kelowna?  And third second, what are we talking about here?  Will the bumper collapse?  Will the muffler fall off?  If that is the case, I really don't care.  I will just throw the muffler in the trunk and carry on."

AVIS - "well, Ms. Millar, I do understand your dilema.  I will see what I can do.  It seems the recall is concerning the engine.  It might sieze up on you and you will lose control of the car.  I will call you back."

I wemt back inside after collecting my thoughts concerning my insurance policy and the employment hiring practises of AVIS.  I completed my second presentation to the rapt attention of those people who happened to overhear bits and pieces of my recent conversation.  Turns out they thought I was going to kick the small dog crossing the lobby by the look on my face.

AVIS - "Thank you for taking my call Ms. Millar.  We have made arrangements for you since you really should not be driving the car.  We are sending a tow truck with a new car, from our Kelowna office.  He will drop the new one off for you and tow the other one back to Kelowna.  It should be there between 6 - 7pm tonight."

Holly - "well, I appreciate your efforts.  However, when we spoke at 10am, I told you that I would be finished my business and heading home to Vancouver by 3:30pm.  Will you be sprining for my dinner and blood pressure medication while I wait?"

AVIS - "thanks for your business.  We look forward to serving you again"

Well, you can see what happened.  I was unable to pull off my plan of feeding copious amounts of candy and chocolate to my grandchildren right at bedtime and watch my daughter bite the head off her cat.  Very disappointing to say the least.

When my new car finally arrived at about 6:15pm, I was able to hit the road in a brand spanking new Sonata.  Wow, that thing is sure nice to drive.  Hugs the curves and has a very smooth ride.  I got home shortly before midnight.  Just in time to have a quick shower, throw my suitcase on the floor and get into bed so that I could get up at 5:30 as I was supposed to attend a breakfast meeting.  I awoke at 7am.  I can no longer function on 4 hours sleep.

Well, that was my road trip.  I am now searching for a new hairdresser.  The last new one I went to last month just simply will not do.

HD - "Hello Miss.  I am _________.  I am very happy to meet you.  How do you want your hair?"

ME - " thank you - trim this, snip that, you know, just cut it please.  I will tell you when to stop."  (You would think that was the problem right? - wrong)

HD - "Please sit.  So, tell me, are you enjoying retirement or are you still working?"

ME - "WTFRACK??????????"

HD - "So tell me about your family"..... (5 minutes later) - REALLY????? Your father is still alive???

OMG - How old do I really look?  So, as you can see, I have good cause to search out my new stylist.

Well, off to enjoy the long weekend - Happy Canada Day ya'll

Running for my life!

What a busy couple of weeks.  Most of my time was eaten up trying to stay out of jail.  My bail fund is simply not large enough yet.  Most people save for retirement.  I have to put funds aside for my bail.  Its not simply a case of "IF" I am going to land in jail but "WHEN" it will happen.

I know this is not the usual case for most people but since crap seems to flow in a perpetual motion around me, I figure sooner or later I will simply blow my stack, off the idiot who is currently making my life hell and end up in jail trying to talk my way out of the situation.  I am pretty confident that a Judge will not buy my life story of "crap just seems to happen to me" and let me out without posting a significant sum of money.

Suppose you had paid a significant amount of cash to someone who is supposed to pay particular attention to detail.  This is his job and this is exactly what you pay for.  And then this person totally, utterly and completely caused you to want to poke yourself in the eye with a fork and run screaming into the streets kicking small dogs and children in your path.  I am talking about my accountant.  I pay him about $350 per year to do my taxes and fully expect he is capable of following directions and paying attention.  It seems I hold him to standards above his reach.  What I should have asked him to do is "do your best to come close to doing your job."  My expectations in business appear to be the same expectations I have when dating - too high.

Picture this - a bright, sunny, albeit cool, March morning when I pull up and park outside my accountants office.  I march inside and ride the elevator to the 11th floor and open the door to his receptionist who greets me with a smile and a friendly 'hello'.  I have, gripped in my tight little hand, a manilla file folder holding both my and my brothers tax documents.  On the front of the folder, in bright red ink are the words 'WE HAVE MOVED.  EFFECTIVE FEBRUARY 1/12" followed by our new address.  I also stapled my new business card to the folder with the statement (again in red ink) "NEW EMPLOYER EFFECTIVE SEPT. 12/11".  I also told the receptionist to update our file with our new address and even joked that we only moved 250 feet down the street.

It is also worth noting that both my brother and I went online and updated our address direct with CRA, motor vehicles and the voting registrar.

Lalalalala, off I went pleased that I had my tax stuff all settled with the guy who would take care of my interests.  Off my chest and onto someone else's.

When the documents were ready for signature the accountant sent me an email asking if I wanted to come in and sign or sign the email copy he attached.  I reminded him, I always deal with it via email as he has instructions to NEVER mail documents to me ever since my identity was stolen.  Both my brother and I signed the documents and returned them via email.

Lalalalala - tax time is over and I survived.  So, I owed a little money....so what.  It was over and I was safe for another year.   HA!  Not so fast for those of you who thought it could possibly be that easy for me.

By the third week of May, I had not recieved my notice and my brother had not recieved his refund.  Hmmm, odd.  It is now 2 months.  I should look into this.  I won't bore you with all the details on the investigation as to what happened but will give you the highlights so you can testify on my behalf that I was well and truly provoked.

1)  turns out he did not pay attention to the bright red ink regarding address change
2)  turns out he overrode our online changes with CRA
3)  turns out CRA sent all documents and Kris's refund cheque to old address
4)  turns out accoutant MAILED EVERYTHING to old address
5)  turns out CRA requires an affadavit to correct information and re-issue cheque
6)  turns out Canada Post will not let one back into their old mailbox if they are no longer on the lease
7)  turns out the old landlord and owner of the townhouse has moved back to the Phillipines and is unreachable
8)  turns out the agent for the landlord lives in Montreal and does not speak english
9)  turns out a crowbar and hammer will not get you back into the mail room at midnight (or later)
10)  turns out Canada Post will continue to deliver mail until the box is full at which point they will hang onto any excess until a new owner is registered to the box.
11)  turns out the accountant is not to blame and can do nothing to help "his hands are literally tied"
12)  turns out the new owners (if and when that happens) can decide to just throw the old mail into the garbage and let the dumpster divers have access to a full copy of our tax returns as well as the notice of assessment so kindly provided by CRA
13)  turns out I can go to jail if I call accountant any more names in public
and finally,
14)  turns out I can call my accountant any number of names that I want in the privacy of his office and there is nothing he can do about it except throw me out.
and finally finally,
15)  turns out you can in fact cancel payment to your accountant

On a brighter note - thank you to everyone who supported me in the Easter Seals 24 hour relay this past weekend.  I raised just about $500.

Saturday started off cold and damp with intermittent showers.  By the time we arrived at the stadium those showers had turn to full on rain.  By the time it was my turn to run that rain had turned into a monsoon.

I had picked up the three wee grandkids to run with me.  However, when it came time to run only Xavier was still game.  The girls waited in the tent with my team members roasting marshmellows.  Xavier and I headed out amid the roar of the crowd and made our lap around the stadium before heading to the 4 mile track around central park.  We stayed together until we were out of the line of vision of the stadium when he picked up speed.  I noticed him at the 1/2 mile mark waiting impatiently for me to catch up.  When that was not going to happen he gave up and took off ahead - left me in the dust.  He apparently made a grand entrance back into the stadium to the cheering of our team when someone noticed I was not with him.  When asked where his grandmother was he replied "Not sure.  Think she is back there somewhere."  He did end up waiting for me at the finish line where I was told that he ran the 4 miles in 16min 10 seconds.  Almost half my time of 31 minutes.  There were a lot of puddles and I was weighted down by soaked runners.

I have attached a couple of pictures my friend Heather took of the kids and I in the play tent where the girls made birdhouses.  You can see the wet track behind us.  By the way, in case you are wondering, it is now Tuesday and my runners are still wet.

Stay tuned for the next installment of Holly's "As the stomach turns"......

A little excitement anyone?

My sister-in-law answered my plea for my quest for excitement and invited me to spend the weekend with her and my brother and attend a car show and the races.

I hopped on the ferry yesterday morning with my backpack filled with expectations and multiple clothing options for a weekend of fun.  Part of the excitment planned was that I would be enjoying a slightly "blind date" as they had invited a single male friend of theirs who had been wanting to meet me (already highly suspicious), to join us at the races.

Angie picked me up from the ferry just after noon and explained that we would be heading to Victoria later in the afternoon for an evening at the races.  We bundled up as by 4pm in the afternoon it was already cool and expected to be cold by evening.

This was to be a unique weekend for me on two fronts.  The first being that I really know nothing of racing.  The last time I was at the races I was about 6 or 7 years old and what I remember is the noise, the dust and being told to sit still and don't wander off.  I'll leave it your imagination at how well I took to direction as I do not recall going to any races after that.  The second front being that I was about to enter unchartered territory and go on a "date" with the company of my older brother.  Hmmm.  Not really sure how to react in that situation. 

I tried to wrack my brain to recall the last time I was in any sort of real social 'dating' situation with my brother and the only thing that even came close that came to mind was many many years ago.  I was maybe 14 or 15 and really wanted to go to a concert - BTO at the KXA in Kamloops.  The only way I would be allowed to attend was if my big brother took me and looked after me.  He wanted to go with just his friends.  However, since we both wanted to go to the concert, we agreed to our father's demands. 

Dad dropped us off at the front of the arena with the instructions to stay together and meet him in the same exact spot the minute the concert was over.  The moment he drove away, Dave turned to me with the command, "do what you want - you're on your own - just meet me right here at the end of the concert.  AND, if you say anything to dad, you will be in real trouble."  He then left me and I spent the concert wandering around like a tourist in Disneyland.  I did as he asked and when Dad picked us up and asked if we stayed together and had a good time I answered with an affirmative nod.  Quite frankly, at that point in my life I was more afraid of my brother than I was of my father.

Anyway, that was the only memory that came to mind of any sort of 'out of family' social interaction that he and I ever really had and I was a little nervous.

Well, we arrived early to this gentleman's home.  While he finished getting ready, I am afraid I was a little nosey and strolled through his living room.  He has a really cool juke box and a highly developed record collection.

I can report that I was a little confused.  I am way out of practice with normal men.  I can handle the alcoholic gun collectors, the stalkers and the ones who offer to buy me drugs but I was thrown by a kind, perhaps a little shy, man who did not even try to hug me (bonus points went up in his plus column).

I had a great time at the races.  In addition to the  regular runs around the track by normal cars, they had these other races called 'bump and run' or 'push and pass' or 'tap and go' or something along those lines.  The idea is you have to hit the car in front of you in order to pass.  Needless to say my bloodlust came to the forefront and I could hardly contain the excitement rising within me as I waited in anticipation for the accidents to begin.  It was way cool.  I had a blast and would go again.  There were also mini cars smashing into one another as they raced in a figure 8.  Again, way cool.

We topped the evening off with chicken wings and nachos at Boston Pizza before driving home.  Before we made it home, we dropped my date off at his home and I was struck by a sight that played a prominent role in my dreams that night.  G happens to be the proud owner of a multitude of racing cars.  They are carefully and lovingly wrapped in white tarps and adorn his front yard.  As we swung into his dark, tree shrouded yard with the multiple car bodies wrapped in tarps, all that came to mind was a morgue.  I sort of expected to see toe tags on the bumpers.  Believe me when I say, a dream about a morgue full of dead cars after smashed racing does cause one to wake up in a bit of a sweat.

This morning found me enjoying the Show 'N' Shine car show in Duncan with my family.  I wandered about gazing in a sort of awe at the approximately 40 beautifully restored cars and dreaming about which ones I would look best driving away in.  My brother entered his own restored truck.  A bit grudgingly I must admit he has a real gift with cars and did a wonderul job.  He has an incredible gift and I may be a bit jealous.  I have no discernable skills and he has so many.  I think it must be a first-born thing.  He sucked up all the really cool genes before I came along.  I was left with the weak links - one link missing in each of the genes.  This makes me always just shy of being good at anything.  Ah well, I always knew mom liked him best.

I had a bad week last week with electronics.  The motherboard on my laptop died and I lost my blackberry for 3 days on the city bus.  Blackberry was returned (not before I almost had a major meltdown) but now I am in search of a new laptop so I can actually get back online and date.  After this weekend and the meeting of a nice normal man, he has restored my faith that not every man I meet needs to be neutered.

A big thank you to my sister-in-law and brother for thinking of me and saving me from another night of falling asleep during the news only to wake up at 9pm so I can go to bed.

Well, am ready for a new week.  Who knows what this one will bring.  However, I will keep you posted.

Stay tuned